


Luctus

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Series: Camelove 2021 [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Episode: s01e10 The Moment of Truth, Kid Fic, M/M, Unhappy Ending, mostly - Freeform, of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29401344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: Ealdor could never be home without Will - the first boy he ever loved, and who he didn’t know how to stop loving.
Relationships: Merlin/Will (Merlin)
Series: Camelove 2021 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2151495
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18
Collections: Camelove 2021





	Luctus

**Author's Note:**

> [@Camelove2021](https://camelove2021.tumblr.com/) Day 6 - Always By Your Side

“Show me again,” Will begged for what must have been the millionth time.

Merlin looked around at the villagers nearby, loading grain to be carted away and sold at the market. “I can’t,” Merlin replied, nodding at the scene.

Will hummed, eyebrows creasing together, and straightened from where they’d both been hunched together so no one else would hear their conversation. He looked up over Merlin’s head, and then in the opposite direction. “Ah,” he said finally, “Come on!”

He grabbed Merlin’s hand and led them both away from the fields towards the forest, where the trees provided some shelter. They ran until enough light was blocked through the canopy that they both felt safe. Will looked around to double check they were alone, before turning to Merlin with a grin. Merlin did a final check of his own, always trying to remember the caution his mother instilled in him, then nodded. He was reluctant to let go of Will’s hand but knew he had to in order to cast the spell.

He mumbled the words and waved his hands, spreading his fingers one at a time. On command, the dust from the forest floor drifted upwards, rolling and contorting until it took the shape of a bear. The bear soared down, open mouthed, as though to swallow Will whole. Will laughed brightly, his eyes shining as he met Merlin’s once the dust had settled. Merlin grinned back, thrilled and freed in equal measure.

* * *

Eventually, he could cast magic without needing his hands. He just needed words, and sometimes he could even manage without. He practised almost every day hidden amongst the trees. He was getting older, though, and more and more responsibility was falling on his shoulders to farm the grain. It left little time for magic, and meant his absence was infinitely more noticeable. Will was good for making up excuses, but they both knew they had to be careful not to lie too much, or people would begin to get suspicious.

Will liked to watch Merlin practise with his magic, though Merlin couldn’t understand why. It was just moving dust, or leaves, or sometimes both - though not always intentionally. How Will hadn’t gotten bored over the years was a mystery to Merlin, who certainly had. His mother talked of all the unimaginable things a trained warlock could do, the things she had seen with her very own eyes, and Merlin longed to be able to wield that kind of magic for himself. But he didn’t mind Will watching, because more and more it was the only time he ever got to see him. He could never regret that.

It was after a long day of work and practise that Merlin finally found the courage to ask about it. He was mostly annoyed at himself for failing to maintain concentration enough to lift a heavy boulder. He was getting there, but there was still too much resistance, and he couldn’t seem to work past it no matter how hard he tried. He was irritated and had snapped the question at Will, who was sat by, patiently watching Merlin fail.

Will turned bright red and refused to meet Merlin’s eye. “It’s cool,” he muttered, picking at his fingers.

“I’m useless,” Merlin protested. He sighed and turned back to the rock. “I just can’t do it.”

“What’s it like?” Will asked. “Magic?”

Merlin hummed and scrunched up his face as he thought about it. It was a strange question. Magic wasn’t really _like_ anything, magic just _was_. The same way the sky was blue and the sun rose in the East. That was magic. He just did it. He thought and he concentrated and the world moved to his whim. Mostly. He half had his mind on the boulder, though he knew he wasn’t paying enough attention to do anything to it. 

“It feels like life,” Merlin finally explained, exerting himself as he still tried to at least get the boulder to shift. “It feels like breathing, or moving, or energy. If I concentrate enough on the feeling of being, I can make things happen. I don’t know how else to describe it.”

“I know that feeling,” Will replied. He was close enough that Merlin felt his breath against his neck. 

Merlin inhaled sharply and the boulder exploded.

* * *

Merlin’s mother spoke of sending him away to Gaius long before she ever actually did. She was insistent that Merlin needed a proper tutor, and that he was meant for so much more than farm life in Ealdor. When Merlin was a boy, he’d dreamed of tuition, and of a life beyond the crumbling houses and the mundanity. The irony was, his mother’s talks of Camelot came right at the time when he finally felt there was something to stay for.

“Show me again,” Will giggled into his ear.

“No- Stop- Leave-” Merlin protested around laughs, but Will was insistent.

He was half laid on top of Merlin in a bid to reach over and grab the red cloth Merlin was trying to keep away from him. Their faces were inches apart, and Merlin wasn’t sure who closed the gap, but in the end it didn’t matter. It never did. Merlin became so absorbed in kissing Will - which never lost its novelty, and he was sure it never would - that he missed Will snatching the cloth out of his hands. The first he knew of it, Will had pulled away and taken two long strides backwards.

“That’s cheating,” Merlin accused with a grin.

Will shrugged with a smirk. “Not my fault you’re easy,” he teased. He looked at the striking red cloth once more. “No way is this really from a knight.”

“Is so!” Merlin insisted, stepping over the log they’d both been sat on to stand next to Will. “A real knight of Camelot.”

“Pfft,” Will exhaled. “A bunch of stuck-up, over-paid tools if you ask me.” He looked at the cloth, and then at Merlin. He squinted, then wrapped his arms around Merlin’s shoulders. The cloth rested against his throat as he did so, and Merlin held his breath at how close their faces were as Will tied it in a knot at the nape of his neck. “There,” Will said, dropping his arms to his side but not taking a step away. “You’re twice the man any knight ever was, anyway.”

Merlin had kissed him until they were both silly with it.

* * *

Leaving was the hardest thing Merlin had ever had to do. He sat in the woods for a long while, making animals out of the dust - wordless now, and without ever having to think about it. He’d told Will he’d wait until midday, but that was almost an hour ago now, and Will still hadn’t shown up. As far as Will was concerned, they’d already said their goodbyes.

_You’re free. Go be great. Forget about me._

But Merlin had hoped for one last moment, stolen away in the woods where prying eyes couldn’t see them, and where Merlin could explain. Again. He already had, a million times, but it didn’t make anything softer. He didn’t want to leave Will, he’d rather anything but that! His mother was insistent, though, and Merlin knew she was right, deep down. It wasn’t safe for him in Ealdor anymore, and while he was there he was putting everyone else at risk too. Including Will.

Merlin waited another half an hour more before realising Will wasn’t coming. He knew it wasn’t fair to be disappointed - Will didn’t owe him anything, and he was leaving, anyway. But Merlin had hoped for one final kiss, and to promise that he would never - couldn’t ever forget about Will. He wiped his eyes as he stood and picked up his bag. He sent one last, sad, longing look through the foliage, before walking away.

* * *

It was just dust. It always was in Ealdor. But it was dust to save his mother, and to save his friends. It wasn’t silly animals anymore, it was a whirlwind, chasing back grown men and horses. It was still Will, watching him as he made magic happen ( _you’re beautiful,_ he’d once confessed when Merlin had pressed him on watching him practice, _it’s like you’re made of life - it’s beautiful_ ) and in that moment nothing felt hopeless anymore.

It was dust, and it was lies, and it was Will keeping his secret as always. And then it was Will, gone. He’d been gone in Merlin’s head for years, too painful to remember, even if impossible to forget. But in his heart he’d always remained, though fading as he met others who made him feel that same thrill, the same shock of an exploding boulder, or a kiss hidden away. Then it was just gone.

Merlin sat in the woods for a long while after that, just like the last time, waiting and knowing Will would never come. There were so many things he wanted to say to him, things he should’ve said years ago, and things he only now realised he wanted to tell. But he couldn’t, and part of him knew he never could. It was inevitable things should end like this - Will, the first of many casualties of Merlin’s secret. 

He sat in the woods for a long time, until Arthur came to fetch him, to take him home. He meant Camelot, and Merlin figured that was fair. Ealdor could never be home without Will - the first boy he ever loved, and who he didn’t know how to stop loving. He never expected he’d see Will again when he left. He assumed that final night, hidden away in Will’s room, whispering into the dark lest someone heard, would be the last he’d ever have. And when he finally did see him, for the first time ever he wished he hadn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> i sort of hate this, sort of don't have anything better. sorry :(
> 
> regardless, a huge, huge, huge thank you to everyone who commented on my last couple of fics. you're all beautiful and i would die for every single one of you <3
> 
> if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! 
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because uni is so hard, but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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